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Never had a girlfriend

Never had a girlfriend

I am a little ashamed to admit that at the age of 30 I have never had a girlfriend. Although I have spent about three nights cuddling with Jen and Crystal, nothing sexual ever occurred or came about. When Jen told me to stop caressing her ear I did and that was the end of that, well my best friend betraying me by fucking her, that was the true end of that.

Anyways one of the main reasons why I never reached out to girls in high school was I was in abject poverty and literally one of the poorest kids at Oakridge High, and that is saying a lot. So I didn't have money to buy a girl flowers, or a vehicle to take her on dates. I couldn't afford to go to prom so didn't go, and in my mind I didn't want a girl to have to pay for my meals and transportation and everything that required money to be in a relationship. I was a fool then and am a fool now because there were so many opportunities that I have been given.

Being physically attractive most girls do want to be with me, but yet age at 30 I've never been intimate in any way. Aside from not having a car or money or a steady home, the trauma I went through in my youth also kept me from connecting with the opposite gender. The clothespin incident where my mother sexually tortured me seared into my brain not just the memory, but that if any girl wants to get close to you, she will enact some form of torture.

I never trusted girls or women because I was in fear of them, of the pain they could and in my mind, absolutely would put me through after the subjugation of my mother. There are a handful of girls through the years that had shown interest in me and hit on me, but I just disregarded it because it was something I didn't want, something I only envisioned in when interacting with girls. Part of me thinks that as soon as they get to know me and my situation they will do something to cause me more pain, also my mother would not allow any of us kids to have a significant other. She wouldn't let me talk to girls and told me to avoid them and I didn't even make eye contact with the opposite gender per my instructions.

My brother Bryce had a short girlfriend in his senior year of high school and they weren't allowed to be alone at all in the house. There are certain things I get that you want your child to avoid, but to go so far as to refrain them from engaging in a needed part of life in order to find happiness is pure torture. It is malevolence to deny socialization of your child. This was all of Melissa's fault and what she desired she achieved no matter how much pain she had to inflict, emotion, physical, or in my case, sexual.

It not only pains me every day from never having to gotten close to a girl, but there us unlimited regret of letting my life pass me by and never truly getting from life one of its greatest blessings. After Melissa died it took me 12 years to be able to talk to people and socialize with women, an ability I've only recently adopted. Every day I deal with the regret of never having a girlfriend or intimate relationship in the prime of my youth, and now there is nothing but hope it will happen before I'm 40.