Speak up already - Phan

Chapter 31

A/N:

T/W : Self-harm, Mentions of rape, Suicidal thoughts...

Sorry :/

xx

Phil was on his laptop, replying to some of the comments of his latest video when Dan entered the room.

"I'm going into Westfield for a bit to buy some new clothes, wanna come?" Dan smiled, fixing his hair in the mirror.

Phil shrugged. "N-Not really."

"Awe Philly pleeeease? You help me pick good clothes."

Phil smiled sadly. "Sorry Dan. I really don't feel up to it."

Dan nodded understandingly. "Okay. Want anything while i'm out?"

"Kinder chocolate egg?" Phil smiled brightly.

Dan rolled his eyes, letting out a huff. "You're so cute." He whispered under his breath as he exited the room.

A few minutes later, Dan yelled out "Phil i'm going," before shutting the door behind him.

Phil smiled to himself.

~

Half an hour had passed when Phil finally got up from his laptop. He decided to go take a nice relaxing shower.

After that, he sat on his bed in pyjama bottoms and no shirt despite it only being 8pm.

Phil felt bad that he hadn't gone with Dan. Guilty.

Dan has done so much for him and yet Phil just drowns him in more stress. Dan really deserved the title amazing.

Phil was staring up at his ceiling and before he knew it, he was lost in his thoughts. Again.

He asked for one thing and you can't even do that.

But I didn't feel like going...

It's all about you huh? Ever think about Dan for a change? He does so much for you. He's helped you so much and what does he get in return? A fat lazy boyfriend.

He's not sad though!

Of course not in front of you, you idiot.

But Dan loves me, he does this because he loves me.

Well you love him, what do you do for him? He is able to love someone as disgustingly vile and hideous as you.

I'm not-

You are Phil. Stop lying to yourself. You fucking got raped. You deserved it, you deserved all those times you slit your wrists, your thighs, your stomach. You deserve to slit your neck and end it all.

No...

You are a worthless being, merely taking up space.

NO!

Phil YOU REALLY NEED TO STOP LISTENING TO OTHER PEOPLE AND LISTEN TO YOUR OWN FUCKING MIND THAT'S THE ONLY THING THATS TELLING THE TRUTH. YOU GOT RAPED. YOUR BODY IS IMPURE. THEREFORE ITS USELESS AND SO ARE YOU.

Before Phil knew it, he was in the bathroom holding a blade in his hand about to cut, staring down at it as his eyes were fogged with tears.

Phil could hear all the bad thoughts, screaming through his mind and he couldn't hear the sound of the door unlocking, or his loud screams and shrieks.

He wasn't aware of how close the blade was getting to his arm, only of the words spinning around in his mind.

Impure

Useless

Slit

Throat

Die

Before Phil knew it, instead of a bright red gash with droplets of blood scattering around his arm,  instead, he was in someones arms and the blade was knocked out of his hand.

Dan.

"P-P-Phil b-baby please n-no you a-are so much better than t-this kitten p-p-please d-don't." Dan sobbed into Phil's shoulder as he squeezed him tightly.

Phil had silent tears dripping down his cheek but felt numb.

"P-Phil baby I l-love you, y-you're so s-so fucking beautiful don't d-do this to yourself I don't want this to happen t-to you, y-you can't fall back i-into this t-trap I n-nearly l-lost you last t-time y-you YOU CAN'T L-LEAVE ME PHIY-YOU NEARLY DID L-LAST TIME AND I WAS SO SO FUCKING CLOSE TO SLITTING M-MY THROAT OR GRABBING A ROPE P-PHIL I-IF YOU DID I-I'LL KILL MYSELF P-PLEASE B-BABY N-N-NO...n-no...p-p-please..." Dan's voice cracked and his sobs became silent.

Phil thought to himself.

Maybe that was what Dan had been keeping to himself all this time.

Because normally he would try to help Phil but just then it was almost as if Dan had...lost it.

"Dan...I-I'm n-never ever l-leaving you." Phil choked out, hugging Dan tightly. "E-Ever."

Dan bit his lip as more tears silently rolled down his face. He was desperatly hoping what Phil just said was true.

xx